When you share your challenges with someone, and they start with, "Here’s what you SHOULD do…", how does this make you feel? Judged? Annoyed? Defensive?
Perhaps it’s you who is frequently giving out well-meaning but unwanted advice, “This worked for me so it SHOULD work for you too.”
Or maybe you are telling yourself many times a day, "I SHOULD know what to do", "I SHOULD be able to cope", or "I SHOULD not feel this way"... I should, I should, I should...
Words have incredible power. They can inspire or cause harm.
And SHOULD is such a powerful word. But why is it so problematic?
"Should" statements create tension in our relationships.
Every time we tell someone what they "should" do, how they "should" behave, or how they "should" feel, we impose rigid expectations on them… expectations and standards based on our own worldview. We are sending a message, often unintentionally, that they aren’t doing enough or aren’t good enough. And then, we get angry and frustrated when people don’t live up to OUR expectations.
Having rigid rules about how others should behave prevents them from finding their own solutions. Yes, we can support and offer suggestions, but it’s important to let others learn things on their own, even if that involves making mistakes. Often too, people don’t need someone to tell them what to do. They want to feel heard and valued. They want someone to just listen and be present... without saying much at all.
It can be difficult to break away from "should" statements as we barely notice we are using them.
So, why do we jump into this "fixing" mode, giving advice but often failing to apply it to ourselves. And what can we do about it?
It would be important to examine where our "should" statements come from. Often, they originate from our families as well as societal norms and cultural beliefs and practices. It would be equally important to pay attention to the words we say out loud or internally. How many times a day does the word "should" come up? We all use "should" statements from time to time, but if this becomes a consistent pattern, it can negatively influence how we feel, behave and relate to others… and ourselves.
So, it’s very important to become aware of our "shoulding" tendencies.
Next time you are about to rush to deliver a lecture about how someone "should" or "shouldn’t" live their life, bite your tongue. What works for you will not necessarily work for others. You don’t have all the answers. It’s not your job to solve their problems. Wisdom can’t be taught. It comes from within… through our own experiences. So, choose your words wisely.
If you are constantly telling yourself "I should", try replacing these rigid statements with softer, more flexible language. For example, instead of "I should….", try "I can…." Small changes in our language, the way we talk to ourselves, can have a big impact on our wellbeing. Or even better, try and remove the word "should" entirely from your vocabulary. By consciously shifting our language, we can create a more compassionate and balanced way of relating to others and ourselves.
And when people tell you how you "should" live your life, simply say, "Thanks, I’ll think about it."
A brilliant quote, attributed to the Italian astronomist, physicist and philosopher Galileo Galilei;
"You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him find it within himself "
Eila Mikkonen
Counsellor, Clinical Supervisor & Mental Fitness Facilitator