Life centers around relationships. The good, the bad and the ugly.
Being a counsellor has taught me more about relationships than any textbook ever could. Through conversations with people, I’ve learned about the myriads of challenges they face in their relationships.
Being as authentic as possible helps to create an environment where people feel safe to express themselves. Safe to talk about things they might never have said out loud before. I try and embrace people as unique individuals with whom I’m having a meaningful human connection. Not objects or "problems" to be fixed.
But treating others as objects, not as fellow human beings, is becoming more and more common.
According to existential philosopher Martin Buber (1878-1965), there are two ways of being in our relationships with others: the I-It and the I-Thou.
What is I-It relationship?
This type of relationship occurs when we engage with the world in a detached manner. Our interactions are often superficial and transactional. We see and treat others, whether consciously or unconsciously, as objects to be influenced or used.
By contrast, I-Thou relationship is where we relate to each other mutually and respectfully. We are present and actively participate in the interaction. We recognise each other’s unique existence. These types of relationships are reciprocal. We both feel heard and valued. We are aware of each other as being interconnected.
I-It mode is useful when navigating daily life. In many situations, it makes more sense to engage superficially rather than over-invest emotionally in the deeper I-Thou mode. For example, when buying a coffee, we simply need someone to do something for us. This type of relating is very practical. But it becomes problematic if it’s the ONLY mode of relating. So, it’s important to balance the two. Both are necessary, and we often move back and forth on the I-It and I-Thou spectrum.
Unfortunately, in our increasingly fast-paced world, I-It relationships seem to be the norm. Online interactions and social media posts dominate with I-It encounters. More and more people are turning to artificial intelligence (AI) companions and chatbots like ChatGPT that simulate and mimic human relationships. But they may not have the capacity to provide relational, genuine human-to-human interactions.
Cultivating an I-Thou mindset is not an easy task as our interactions with others often revolve around our personal needs and expectations. We want to influence and convince, treating others as "tools". Have you ever considered what it means to relate to someone as a Thou rather than an It? If not, I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on the following:
- In your daily interactions, do you find yourself relating primarily in the I-It mode, rarely entering the I-Thou mode?
- How do you see people in your life? Are they living beings or objects for you to use? Do you see them unequal and "below" you?
- Do you think it’s possible for you to enter into I-Thou relationships with genuine curiosity and openness?
Buber’s teachings remain relevant in our increasingly complex world where I-It encounters dominate. Yes, relationships can be hard work but embracing the I-It/I-Thou philosophy can become a catalyst for healthier, happier and more meaningful interactions with others.
Eila Mikkonen
Counsellor, Clinical Supervisor & Mental Fitness Facilitator